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Husband and wife agreed dat anytime they want 2 hav sex they'l call it a 'phone call'. One day they had a fight and they were talking to each other thro their kids. Da husband tell to his son : tell mommy daddy wants to make a phone call ? wife replies: tell daddy that the network is down today dad replies: tell ur mom that if there's no network at home il go to a public phone wife to son: tell ur dad that if he dare go to a public phone, il open a call center at home !
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1. Losing all your friends
A man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots and kills his friend.
His wife said "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR M**HER"....
3. Meaning of WIFE
A Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!"
His wife replied, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one - my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack & our driver ran away."
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asked his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
His dad replied, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son, that's confidential!"
6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
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A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt
and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his
hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says,
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says
"Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love. After they're done,the girl says,
"You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says,
"Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing "
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man "****! That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he jumped out the
window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, went through
a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman "I'm your
husband, you SL#T!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah? Why were you running? You son of a
#itch !"
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(Suicidal Blonde) A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
The next day, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from
the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, 'I'm
hanging myself.'
'You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,'
said the onlooker.
I tried that,' replied the blonde, 'but I couldn't breathe.'
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What Deep Thinkers Men Are.....
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
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:lol:
