A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare.
The man wakes him and asks if he is ok.
The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.
The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare.
The man again wakes his son and asks if he is ok.
This time the son says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare, and the man wakes him again.
The son says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.
The father assures the son that he is ok and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life, he is sure he is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.
He jumps at every noise and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he says, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds,
"You think YOUR day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
_
New Cowboy Boots
~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple , Margaret and Bert , moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots , so , seeing some on sale , he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly , he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife , "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated , Bert stormed off into the bathroom , undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret , a little louder this time , "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan , "Bert , what's different? It's hanging down today , it was hanging down yesterday , it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious , Bert yelled , "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN , MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue" , she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN , BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied , "Shoulda bought a hat , Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
_
An Australian Prostitute’s Tax Return… A young woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to re phrase that.
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”. “No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Poultry Farmer it is.”