The Official PG Jokes...

[JChang]

Today's Joke: If you love Someone!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

THE NEW VERSIONS.....

Pessimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:

If you love someone,
Set her free
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:

If you love someone,
Set her free
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Playful:

If you love someone,
Set her free
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again

Bill Gates :

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Finance expert :

If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad!

[JChang]

In a poor zoo of Pakistan, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.
One day the lion thought it's prayers were answered when a US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a US zoo.
The lion was pleased and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card.
On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.
Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from Pakistan. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blasted him, "Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What' s wrong with your management? What nonsense is this ? Why are you delivering bananas to me?"
The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of the Jungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa !!!

[JChang]

Today's Joke: TOO EASY the doctors assistant!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Doctor wanted to go hunting, he calls his secretary HASSOUN and tells him Ya
Hassoun, I am going hunting tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask
you to take care of our patients. Yes, sir...... answers Hassoun.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: So Hassoun, how was
your day?. Hassoun tells him he took care of 3 patients.

The first one had a headache and I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo ya Hassoun, and the
second one?

The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir. Bravo ya Hassoun
''you're good at this''and the third one?

Sir, I was sitting, suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a "flame"
and undresses herself, taking off her bra, "NICE BIG ONES SIR" and then take off
her panties "Oh MY GOSH"..... then she jump and sleeps on the table and shouts:
"HELP ME since 5 years I have not seen any man!"

And what did you do Hassoun?

It was easy, I put eye drops in her eyes sir!

[Conscript]

Lol funny jokes. Man keep it up man.

[JChang]

Thanks..I will dont worry and enjoy the jokes.

[JChang]

Today's Joke: All about an Engineers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Engineer Identification Test

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You ...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C," but partial credit can be given to anyone who writes
"It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing
on marketing.


Social Skills

* Get it over with as soon as possible
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects


Fascination with Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories:

1. Things that need to be fixed
2. Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with
them.


Fashion and Appearance

Engineers are generally satisfied with their clothing if basic thresholds for
temperature and decency have been satisfied.


Dating and Social Life

Dating is never easy for engineers. Engineers are incapable of placing
appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They
are widely recognized as superior marriage material: Intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.


How to get there attention!

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the
problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem
until it's solved.

You're a True Engineer if you oblige with any of the above mentioned lines...!!

[Fahad007]

Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said
to the doctor, "I wanted to see you because I think I am
gay."

"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?"

"Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father."

"That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We
don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary."

"Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay."

"Really?" said the doctor, intrigued. "That's right. And so
are my two uncles and my cousin."

"That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest
greatly piqued.

"Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family who has sex with
women?"

"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."

[Fahad007]

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.
The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want
to hear them. To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story,
they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay. Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started,
"You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for
that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.
Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said,
"Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

[Fahad007]

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "This check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[Fahad007]

Welfare Client
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes. but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours. meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage
.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."